Sober January is a disaster.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
