My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
