You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
