plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
