I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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