U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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