if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
