Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
