I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
