he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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