I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
