So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
