fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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