I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
