I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
