Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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