i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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