Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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