The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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