he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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