I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
