How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
