theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I have fence marks all over my body
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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