Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
