My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
