Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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