I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
