I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
