Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
