I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
