Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
