I wanna passion pit in your ass
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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