If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
