Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
