Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
