I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
