I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
