My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
