Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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