tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
