I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
