You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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