I just made out with a guy for $7.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
