i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the night ended with taco bell and tears
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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