oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
