I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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