I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
