she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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