Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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