got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
