i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
